


When I Knew

by M-oshi (M_oshi)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Music, Selectively Mute Seung-Gil, Slow Build, seungchuchu - Freeform, yuri!!! on ice - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27889936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_oshi/pseuds/M-oshi
Summary: “What happened to you?”People asked him all the time.Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists, his parents.And he always just shrugged.Said he didn’t know.That was a lie.He knew exactly what happened to him.What he didn’t know, was when.No one knew when.He remembered the feeling.The tightness in his chest.The limp, numb feeling in his arms and legs.The knots tying themselves into his stomach.Every single day.It started out slowly.Unnoticed.Easy to ignore.But children can only ignore mean words for so long.And soon, the feelings overrode any positivity he could associate with that place.His music teacher noticed first.He’d never been an outspoken child, but he’d never been a silent one either.His parents were called soon after.Then the doctor.Then the nurse.Then the psychiatrist, and the psychologist.And finally, a diagnosis.Selective Mutism.
Relationships: Phichit Chulanont/Lee Seung Gil
Comments: 7
Kudos: 17





	1. When I Knew

“What happened to you?”

People asked him all the time.

Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists, his parents.

And he always just shrugged.

Said he didn’t know.

That was a lie.

He knew exactly what happened to him.

What he didn’t know, was when.

No one knew when.

He remembered the feeling.

The tightness in his chest.

The limp, numb feeling in his arms and legs. 

The knots tying themselves into his stomach.

Every single day.

It started out slowly.

Unnoticed.

Easy to ignore.

But children can only ignore mean words for so long.

And soon, the feelings overrode any positivity he could associate with that place.

His music teacher noticed first.

He’d never been an outspoken child, but he’d never been a silent one either.

His parents were called soon after. 

Then the doctor.

Then the nurse.

Then the psychiatrist, and the psychologist.

And finally, a diagnosis.

Selective Mutism.

It wasn’t so bad, really.

He didn’t have many friends to begin with, and this was just an excuse to not make any new ones.

It was a lonely existence though.

Still, he found comfort in music. 

And so, he threw himself into learning everything he could.

Instruments, vocals, lyrics.

He found an escape.

A voice.

Even if that voice was just for his own ears.

No one else had to hear it. So they wouldn’t.

~~~~~

Eventually, the novelty wore off.

His classmates stopped their teasing remarks, because now they knew they’d never get a response.

Teachers stopped calling on him, even when they knew he’d have the right answer.

People stopped trying to be nice eventually.

That was the best part. 

No one was trying to use him as a way to satisfy their guilty conscience.

He stopped being some kind of community service project.

And he was fine with that.

The only class that still had any expectation of him, even after all these years, was music.

He played piano, guitar, violin, drums, flute...

Any instrument anyone could want as an accompaniment, he could play.

And so, any time there was vocal presentations, he played. 

It gave him some comfort.

Some… humanity.

A small bit of sanity, a bit of interaction in his generally lonely world.

“Okay class, we’ll be doing duets in two weeks! And before you get too excited, I’ll be picking your partners.”

Seung-Gil tuned out as soon as the word ‘duets’ left his teachers mouth. 

He never did group projects.

Another blessing of his condition. 

“Sara, you’ll be with Mila, Yurio with Otabek, Mickey with Emil, Phichit, you’ll be with Seung-Gil-“ 

He hadn’t meant to slam his hand down on the pianos keyboard, barely flinching at the ugly sound as he looked up wildly at his teacher, a mountain of objections sitting on the very tip of his tongue.

“Don’t look at me like that Seung-Gil, you aren’t getting out of this one.”

Fuck.

~~~~~

Phichit tried not to be disappointed. He really, truly did. He reminded himself how hurt Seung-Gil would probably be if he knew Phichit was disappointed.

It’d probably make him feel awful. 

And yet, even the guilt couldn’t stop Phichit from waiting until after class to approach his teacher.

“Um- Sir, I was-“

“No Phichit, I won’t be switching partners.”

“…Yes sir, I understand… But- How am I supposed to sing a duet with someone who doesn’t talk?”

“Well, I’m hoping you can help him with that.”

Help him.

How was Phichit supposed to help him?

He didn’t know anything about him, except the fact that he didn’t talk.

He sat quietly for a moment before nodding to his teacher.

He’d just have to learn something more important than that.

So he made a list.

He thought about everything he knew about the rest of his friends.

And as far as he was concerned, he had two weeks to make a new one.

~~~~~

Seung-Gil has prepared for everything.

Or so he thought.

He’d prepared for name calling, for being told to just play whatever instrument, to lipsync... 

The list went on and on.

What he hadn’t prepared for, was for Phichit to sit down next to him, all bright eyes and warm, welcoming smiles.

“Hi! I’m Phichit! So, I was thinking it’d be pretty hard for us to do a duet since-“

Ah. Here it is.

“-we don’t know each other that well! So I thought we could-“

Wait. What?”

“-get to know each other better! I already wrote down some questions, and I was thinking maybe you could come over this weekend, or I could come to your house if that’s more comfortable for you!”

Seung-Gil was definitely not prepared for that.

Not in the slightest.

All he could do is stare at Phichit with wide eyes, trying to take in everything the Thai had said.

Phichit Chulanont. 

At his house.

To get to know him.

He felt nauseous.

“Is that okay? Sorry, I know that was probably a lot-“

He was nodding.

Why was he nodding? 

“Awesome! What’s your address?”

He felt like a robot, shakily scribbling his address down without thinking.

His mouth went dry when Phichit grabbed his hand, neatly writing down his phone number, and a heart.

Really? A heart?

Phichit continued to talk all throughout class, while Seung-Gil simply stared at him, eyes wide and mouth dry.

What was happening to him?

~~~~~

When he informed his mother that a classmate was coming over, she dropped the plate she was holding.

His father had opened a bottle of wine he’d been saving for a special occasion.

And his sister had cried tears of joy.

He wasn’t sure if he should feel offended of not.

Mostly, he felt utterly embarrassed.

Because on Saturday, his family acted like the queen of England was coming. 

Not one of his classmates.

The house was spotless, everyone was dressed nicely, and his dog was even taken to the groomer.

If his own oddities weren’t enough to scare Phichit Chulanont off, then this would certainly do the trick.

His stomach twisted when the doorbell rang, that ugly feeling crawling through his body, and grabbing hold of hold of his tongue.

When he opened the door, there stood Phichit, practically glowing with excitement, his notebook clutched in his hands.

“Hi! Oh my gosh, this place is gorgeous! Thank you so much for having me!”

He could feel his family’s eyes burning into his back.

He simply nodded, stepping aside and letting Phichit in.

“You must be Seung-Gil’s classmate!” His mother appeared from the kitchen, effectively hiding her excitedly.

“Yes! I’m Phichit, we have a duet coming up in our music class.”

“Wonderful! Seung-Gil has always been a talented musician. What instrument are you going to play dear?” 

He simply shrugged, his face burning red when Phichit smiled at him.

“I was actually hoping he’d sing with me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phichit felt much more confident than he had before.
> 
> Even though Seung-Gil hadn’t spoken to him, he was opening up! 
> 
> Phichit swore he even heard him humming!
> 
> He was opening up, slowly, but surely.

Phichit felt much more confident than he had before.

Even though Seung-Gil hadn’t spoken to him, he was opening up! 

Phichit swore he even heard him humming!

He was opening up, slowly, but surely.

He just needed a little help is all.

Class the next day was the same as before, with Phichit doing the talking, and Seung-Gil nodding along.

But there was a shift.

The tightness was gone from Seung-Gil’s shoulders, and he didn’t look like he was constantly looking out for the worst.

And when he smiled, Phichit felt his heart squeeze.

“Seung-Gil, are you still coming after school to do your presentation?”

Seung-Gil nodded, giving their teacher a thumbs up.

“Great. Are you bringing Sara and Mickey to help out?”

Another nod.

“Alright, I’ll see you then.”

“I always wondered how you did presentations!”

Seung-Gil offered an awkward smile, shrugging slightly.

“So you’re friends with Sara and Mickey?”

Another shrug.

He probably should’ve expected that one. 

“Maybe I can come to your house again tomorrow?”

Another smile, and a nod.

Slow and steady.

~~~~~ 

“Sara! There you are, I was looking for you!”

Phichit smiled at his dark haired friend as she waved.

“Hey! What’s up?”

“You know Seung-Gil, right?”

“Yeah, we live pretty close to each other. Mickey used to have the biggest crush on him.”

He tried to ignore the way that made his stomach twist.

“So you’re close with him?”

“I guess you could say that. Why?”

“We’ve got a duet together, and I’m trying to get him to open up to me a little... I just thought you might have some advice.”

Sara hummed for a second, tapping her chin.

“Not really.”

“What do you mean not really?”

“He never really had to open up to me. Mickey and I knew him before this all started.”

“What happened to him.”

“I don’t really know. He’s never said.”

“Never?”

Sara shook her head. 

“Never. It was kinda a slow thing. He just got quieter and quieter, and one day, he just... stopped.””

Phichit felt his heart breaking. 

What could happen to a person that would cause them to just go silent? He couldn’t even imagine. 

~~~~~

Seung-Gil wasn’t stupid.

Silent, yes.

At least, most of the time.

Stupid? Now that was a different story.

He knew Phichit was probably dying to know. 

He knew he definitely wasn’t the only one. 

There were so many people that would love to know. 

And truthfully, there were so many people he’d love to tell one day.

But he couldn’t stop the fear that crept into his throat, strangling the words at their root.

Plenty of people experience far worse things, and turn out devastatingly, depressingly normal.

Oh to be so lucky. 

It’s not that he thought his own experience was easy to deal with. 

But he doubted its… legitimacy, in a way.

Was it truly enough?

~~~~~

_“Hey! Hey freak!”_

_Tune it out. Tune it all out-_

_“I know you hear me!”_

_A harsh shove, and a sharp pain in the back of his head._

_A rock, most likely._

_Just keep walking._

_Just ignore them, and they’ll stop._

_Thats what the teachers always said, right?_

_And if a teacher said it, then it must be right._

_Right?_

_“What, are you deaf now? Stupid, deaf, and ugly! Wow, you’re unlucky.”_

_Cruel, ugly laughter._

_Don’t say anything, don’t retaliate._

_Don’t speak, and they’ll stop._

_“Hey squinty eyes!”_

_Don’t speak._

_“Hey gay boy!”_

_Don’t speak._

_“Hey f r e a k!”_

So he didn’t.

And the teachers were right.

Eventually, they did stop.

It stopped being fun. 

But eventually, he stopped as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if y'all would enjoy more of this!


End file.
